The message on Sunday was about pride, and I expected to know everything that Pastor was going to say, as I've heard a number of messages about pride before. I usually go into the service ready to learn something, ready for God to show me something to work on. I figured that this Sunday I wouldn't learn much because I knew everything there was to know about pride already. Ha! There was my pride, having me think I knew it all. And boy was I wrong!
Pastor spoke about the characteristics of pride and one of the points was that pride is appearance-driven. I associated "appearance-driven" with those people that have that look of being better than everyone. I hadn't considered other "looks". One of my biggest faults is that I always try to maintain a certain appearance. No, I am not talking about a fashionable appearance or any physical appearance. My appearance that I desperately try to maintain is Super Mom. I have absolutely no idea if I've mastered the look or not, but for some reason I strive very hard to appear to have it all together - to the point of insanity some days.
I'm sure I've said this in a past post or two, but my mother is an amazing woman. No, really. She is the BEST mother ever. As a child, there was never a day where she did not fix us dinner on a weekday or not have all our clothes laundered and put away every week. She constantly baked homemade snacks and cakes and made applesauce and froze fresh veggies and kept a clean house and took care of the pool and drove us everywhere we needed to go - there were 8 of us, remember. So, you get the point. AMAZING! She never took a day off, unless she was having a baby; as soon as she came home, though, she was back at it. Even when she was sick, I can remember she'd throw up then get her purse and get us in the car to go to school. It was almost robotic how well she kept her home.
I have attempted to mimic my mom. I have no clue how she did it and stayed sane with 8 children. My subconscious (until recently) goal was to do exactly what she did. Other women were in awe of my mom. I would get compliments from my friends' moms about her baked goods or the time she donated to everything at school. I wanted what she had - everyone's respect.
I was a nerd in high school. A popular nerd, that is. I was in volleyball, a cheerleader, a class officer, Valedictorian, and pretty well-liked by most of the kids. Once I was out of high school, I was kind of bottom rung. I hated it. I wanted that spotlight again, when everyone wanted my help with their homework or wanted me to be involved in their project or just looked up to me. Not so. I had a brief moment of popularity in Mortuary School, mostly because I was smart and was dating the most popular guy (yes, my now husband). We were a pretty odd couple, but everyone loved him and I took really good notes, so I got a decent amount of attention.
Then, I got married and started having kids. No one really wanted to know about me or cared that I was Valedictorian 10 years ago. They want to see my children and tell me how cute they are. I loved hearing that I have beautiful girls (of course I am in agreement with that!). I just wanted someone to ask me how I was or what I was up to or ask me for help with something. I started reading about cooking and baking and home organization and other nerdy mom topics. :) I learned a lot and quickly applied them all at once. I have a super clean home, a well-organized closet and garage, a marker board schedule for each day of the week, synchronized calendars, foods frozen for every meal of the day, and a grocery shopping plan to die for! But, no one really cares. And why should they? They have their own lives and their own schedules.
So, I'm sitting in the service Sunday morning and I start thinking about how I always want to appear to be some great Mom. How I want people to remark about how organized and clean my house is or how well I've mastered grocery shopping and saving money. It's dumb. Do those things matter for eternity? No. Why am I so obsessed with my appearance? Pride. I am proud that I have done something for me and that I have something great to show off, rather than remember that GOD gave me these abilities and that HE has helped me find a rhythm that works for our family to be efficient.
It might not seem like any great breakthrough to others, but for me this was huge! I couldn't believe how selfish I'd been, totally ignoring how God had provided and worked in me. How nothing is possible without Him. I really broke down. And then I confessed it to my husband later. He had no idea I felt that way, and he still doesn't see me as prideful but I know I was/am. God revealed a lot to me about myself, and I'm so thankful. I feel so much better in just 2 days, not worrying about how I appear to people. I am working on my obsessions as far as how my house looks :), but I'll get there. I know God gave me these skills and abilities for a reason, and it's not just to have a clean house and organized garage. I am still trying to figure out what I can do with them, maybe help other moms? I don't know. I am not sure how I'd do that, but I really like helping other people, so hopefully God shows me soon what I can do with my talents. Are they talents? Cleaning and organizing = talents? I don't know. I just know that I am sorry I ever let pride in my way and allowed it to keep me from growing. It didn't help my relationship with God, my husband or my children. And I'm so glad God has shown me how to spot pride, so I can get rid of it quicker next time. :)
It's so strange that other moms out there are worried about their children overcoming illnesses or worry about providing food or being safe. And I worry about whether or not people think my house is clean or think I am great at saving money on groceries. So silly and trivial.
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." Proverbs 16:18
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